I see the glass half full; my husband sees the glass half empty. I drive at a quick pace with eyes fixed straight ahead; he turtles down the road, gawking right and left, commenting on each thing he sees. We communicate differently: he never lacks subject matter or an opinion, and he speaks vehemently and with little restraint whatever he thinks and feels. Conversely, I choose my much fewer words with care and speak them with a softer tone. Even our internal environments vary: his resembling a steady, crashing waterfall, stirred up by what drives it. Whereas, when my waters become rocky with trouble, like a trained kayaker, I vigilantly navigate toward more tranquil waters. We both diligently problem-solve, but we often see different solutions.
Night and day different, we are. But he needs me, and I need him.
With insight now into how different we are, you might imagine that we have our share of discussions—right, you are. With a steady influx of opportunities to disagree, I have learned some lessons.
The most life-changing lesson for me was to understand my position in the marriage—a helpmate, called to walk alongside my husband. In the beginning of our marriage, and for years to follow, I thought the Bible’s directive for wives to submit to their husbands in all things meant that I could not speak up for myself or disagree with him…a lie from the pit of hell. I was so bound by that misconception that when my husband said, “Let’s go to bed,” and I wanted to stay up awhile, I didn’t think I could even say, “I think I’ll stay up awhile. You go on ahead.” So frustration and resentment, sometimes hatred, grew because I held everything within. If a spotlight were shone within my heart back then, you would not have seen a positive likeness of a godly woman.
A God-pleasing marriage does not oppress either of its partners. The Bible says for older women to teach the younger to love their husbands and children. God delivered me in a big way the day June Sinclair, our women’s Bible study teacher, told a group of us women that to submit to our husbands means to submit to him how we see things. It does not mean that we lie under his feet like a doormat. June explained that God often gives the woman insight that she can bring to the table for consideration. That’s submission. If, after discussing a situation, the husband stands by his opposing position, which seems way off the mark, the wife should yield to his decision—and pray, she said. That, too, is submission. June explained that the husband, as head of the home, is responsible for the consequences of his decision.
A nugget I found in Ephesians 4:15, 16 supports what June taught us, that we need what one another brings to the partnership. It directs: speak the truth in love. More specifically, “speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.”
God is for the marriage, for the husband, for the wife. He will give the husband wisdom if he will walk humbly before God. He will hear and respond to a woman who seeks to aid her husband through prayer and a supportive attitude. A marriage is the perfect environment to train two people to give up foolish, stubborn pride. Through a healthy give and take, we can learn how to interact in a way that honors God and one another.
Marriage has taught me that sometimes we must leave “a discussion” by agreeing to disagree. A joint surrendering for the sake of peace is a defeat over the enemy of the marriage. Satan wants us to viciously turn on one another, but we can keep him from gaining a foothold into our holy matrimony by abandoning the need to be “right,” for the sake of unity.
Guard your heart, I learned. The critical element to examine in disagreement is: How’s my heart? Letting a root of bitterness settle into the soil of your heart will defile you, and then others, Hebrews 12:14, 15 teaches.
Guard your peace. If a partner has a heart and mind toward strife, back away for awhile. It takes two to fight. One disgruntled half can reconsider and come around; but when both emotionally charged participants vocalize their irritation, the ugliness grows. My peace does not need to shake because someone else wants to drag me into strife—my peace is my choice. Likewise, no one else can blame me for his or her choice to behave in a certain manner. Each one is held accountable for what resides in his own heart. Colossians 3:15 says, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.”
When situations want to make opponents out of my husband and me, I try to remember that we are on the same team. We have stayed on the playing field for thirty-three years, persevering and enduring through many trials and storms, when other, less stout-hearted, partners in our circumstances would have quit very early. Oh, I still get tempted sometimes in the heat of our disagreement to call my spouse an idiot, but I haven’t sinned or fueled the fire if it doesn’t come out of my mouth. A “God help me” prayer and an self-admonition to "Stop it!" douses that wildfire before it gets out of control. God gave me Holy Spirit for a good reason—I need Him, desperately!
My final encouragement on being a suitable Helpmate: learn from those who have gone before you; most notably, Jesus. Hebrews 12:1-6 says:
“Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,
“MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD,
NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM; FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES.”
NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM; FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES.”
God Himself will give specialized insight from this passage to help in your time of need—be ready to hear, for it may not be what you expect.
Hi Val! This was fantastic! It encouraged me as I continue to learn being a wife! I'm thankful for women of God like you that share such wisdom! Lots of love
ReplyDeleteHannah